As I was watching television last week, I was caught off guard by a commercial for a new prescription drug named Flomax. Normally when these types of advertisements flash across my TV screen, I usually just laugh. C’mon, you know you do too. Hikers crossing steep terrain, kayakers rowing through dangerous rapids…all with a smile on their face because they can now “somewhat” prevent the spread of their genital herpes…”It’s a Brand New Day!” Or the ridiculous list of side effects that the voiceover guy so non-chalantly reads through as if they were completely normal…anal leakage, decrease libido, abnormal taste, etcetera etcetera. But even now…after repeated viewings, I thought I was completely desensitized to these horrible, ridiculous prescription spots. But no. Flomax reeled me right back in.
It started off as a normal enough prescription drug commercial. You see, Flomax treats enlarged prostates, or to be more technical, Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (BPH). BPH can cause stress on the urethra, impeding the flow of urine, or in some cases, causes complete blockage…all together now…YEESH! I can just imagine myself standing over the toilet, repeating over and over…”C’mon…gimme a little pee pee…just a couple of drops.” Anyways, back to the Flomax ad…there was a lush forest…several grown men were riding their mountain bikes, free from the discomfort of BPH due to taking their Flomax. It was a beautiful sight to see. All was well…until the list of side effects came. Initially nothing fazed me…all were typical…headache, dizziness, diarrhea…ya know, the normal stuff. Then it hit me…”Decrease in semen.”
Uh-wha? Decrease in semen? Did he really just say that?
Oh yes he did.
You see, in two U.S. Short-Term Placebo Controlled Clinical Studies, 18.9% of men who were administered 0.8 mg of Flomax experienced what they like to call “abnormal ejaculation” i.e. decrease in semen. I know this because it turns out my friend “Dry David” (names have been changed to protect the innocent) was one of these men. After watching the Flomax ad, and finding out about David, I had to press for more answers. Luckily David allowed me to interview him, and share his story with all of you.
David is in his mid-forties, and until recently, was a very active and healthy man. About a year ago, he began to experience what some like to call “weak stream.” He didn’t have the healthy, thick braids of urine he was so accustomed to. Instead, all that came was a few drops at a time. One instance he told me about that was particularly frustrating was when he was at Safeco Field, about 5 beers deep, with a bladder that was at maximum capacity. When he finally made it to the urinal, he was ready to let it flow, but as he stood there, nothing happened. He began to count to one hundred, and still only a few whimpering streams squeezed out. David started to panic…he had been at the stall for about 5 minutes now, and his bladder was still expanding by the minute with no evacuation route opening. Finally, David had no other choice but to walk into a stall, sit down, and bitch piss for the next hour…drip, drip, drip.
Fed up with his predicament, David went to his doctor the next day. David’s general practitioner informed him he had BPH, and wanted to know if David was interested in being part of the clinical trials for a new drug called Flomax. My weak streamed friend was hesitant, until the doc told him there was a cash incentive. Quicker than you can say “cum”, David was enrolled.
After the first few days, David didn’t notice much difference. Around the fourth or fifth day though, David nervously stepped up to the porcelain plate, and swung. Miraculously, it was a homerun!…David’s stream had never been thicker, healthier, or more golden. Astounded and amazed, he felt on top of the world. He went out with some friends that night, and felt so confident, managed to pick up a very gorgeous young blonde named Heather and bring her home with him.
As things got hot and heavy, David could feel his little soldier approaching a full salute. He shouted, “Yes, yes, yes…oh god I’m c-“…and as his body convulsed with pleasure, Heather shrieked with fright. You see David’s little soldier did not spill forth with its salute juice as expected. Instead, all Heather got was 4 powerful blasts of air into her eye, like the eye pressure test at the optometrist…followed by 3 milky drops on her neck.
David immediately reported this to his clinical trial supervisor. The man did not seem surprised, and told David that several others in his test group experienced the same “decrease in semen.” Shocked and appalled, David immediately withdrew from the clinical trials, and found solace in another BPH treatment drug called Hytrina. The most common side effect is fatigue and dizziness, which David experiences on a daily basis. He even revealed that he frequently passes out during sex. When I asked him why he chooses to stick with Hytrina, he smiled and said, “If I pass out during sex, I know now I can at least leave her a glimmering pearl necklace.” David and Heather are still dating.
Non-(Vik)tion 