Vikram Chopra and the Quest for Fame and Fortune – Part I

Prologue:

As some of you may know, I have recently implemented my plan of attack for complete domination of the Entertainment Industry. That is right…Vikram Kumar Chopra is a star…now all I have to do is get everyone else in the industry to realize it.  Simple plan…right? First step – write a screenplay.  In progress.  Second step – get an agent.  Done.  Third step – go on auditions.  Done.  Fourth step – book a job.  Yet to be determined…

And this, friends, is where my story begins…

With the help of my dear friend Megan Munroe, I was able to secure representation through her former local talent agency, ABC Model & Talent.  With my previous experience as a side host for KCTS pledge drives, and what they call a desirable look…aka diverse…aka BROWN…it was a no brainer for my wonderful agent to “sign me”…there, however, was no paperwork in the process.

Ok, that was somewhat easy.  I love my agent…she rocks and I have complete faith in her abilities to find me work.  Now all I had to do was secure my first audition.  She had emailed me about 2 different “jobs” she was submitting me for…one I believe was a dating service commercial (LiveLinks probably…chat with live hot guys, right now!), and the other I have no idea.  Strikeout on both accounts…but no worries.  I would stand tall in the face of rejection and laugh…HAHAHAHA!  After all, I had a diverse look…soon the jobs would begin pouring in.  I represent a new face in the talent realm…one that is not of the norm…brown is the new black bitches.

Then it came.  Leah emailed me about an audition for a Samsung Mobile commercial.  The part she was submitting me for was “Indian or Pakistani Man…late 20s…video gamer.”  Score!  I’m Indian!  I’m a man!  I’m in my late 20s!  I play video games!  No brainer!  Then came the follow up email…I had secured my FIRST audition…whoo hoo!  Fame and fortune, here I come.  Soon I would be sipping mimosas with Britney and Christina, poolside at the Chateau Marmont.

I was quite nervous, I must tell you.  There were no lines, but this was my first.  My agent had informed me there may be some improv…like pretending to play a video game or something.  Sure…I can do that.  I’ll give em my best Wii stance!  I called Megan for moral support…she gave me the lowdown on the audition process.  Walk in…sign the clipboard…don’t say anything…and wait your turn. And don’t forget your 2 headshots!

I was to audition for one of the largest casting directors in Seattle.  No pressure.  I got there about 30 minutes early to mentally prepare myself.  As I sat in my car downing my delicious Ice Breakers Sour Mints, I noticed a fellow of similar breed.  Shaggy hair, brown skin, Costco wardrobe…could this be my competition?  Sure enough, he walked into the casting agency building.  Ha!…if this was my competition…I was set.  About a minute later came another Indian gentlemen…but this one was dressed to the nine.  Spiky hair, D&G t-shirt, 7 jeans…ok…so maybe this guy would be my competition in real life…but they’re looking for a video gamer, not a douchebag.  I thought I was dressed quite the part, if I do say so myself.  Faux-hawk hair, white long sleeve t-shirt, black “Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con” t-shirt over it, Express jeans, and Pumas.  I was a shoe-in.  Another minute passes, and ANOTHER Indian guy goes into the building.  Then ANOTHER.  Then ANOTHER!  I felt like I had been cloned into several low-rate, K-Mart versions of myself.

So now it was time for me to make my grand entrance into the casting agency office.  I was sure that once she had seen ME in comparison to the rest, I was a shoe-in.  I could taste the mimosas in my future.

When I entered the office, sure enough I was directed to the clipboard to sign in, then fill out a generic informational form about myself.  As I wrote down the stats that would ultimately define me on paper, I glanced around the room, eyeing my competitors…and they did the same.  It was a brown man stare down.  The smell of curry filled the air.  I half expected a quick-draw to see who could whip a turban onto their head first.

I thought to myself…do they have accents?  Should I play it like a boater??  Maybe they’re looking for more of a nerdy Indian gamer than my cool Indian gamer persona?  Maybe I’m not dark enough?  Maybe I’m not INDIAN enough??

Then it was time.  The casting agent called me and one of my competitors into the audition room together.  I gave him a look of contempt as we walked in…this was MY time Apu…go back to your home with your arranged bride and eat your rice and beans…just don’t fuck with me.

We stood in front of a video camera and introduced ourselves.  She then handed us a fake cell phone, and asked us to take turns pretending to play a video game on it while the other cheered on.  It all happened so fast, I wasn’t sure how I had done.  I left with the comments of “great energy…we’ll let you know.”

After a long weekend of an unknown future in the industry, I found out that I did not get a call back.  No feedback was given, but I’m sure I didn’t fit the mold of “Indian or Pakistani man…late 20s…video gamer.”  Perhaps it was because I didn’t look like a nerdy Indian gamer.  Or maybe they preferred a darker skinned gamer.  Whatever the case, my hopes and dreams of sipping mimosas with my pop idols would have to be put on hold…for the moment.

But fear not friends…my brown, gay phoenix will rise from these ashes and press on!  And my dreams of being cast as Kumar’s better looking brother in Harold and Kumar 3, in The Namesake 2 – Another Namesake, or Bend It Like Beckham Used To, will be fulfilled!

 

 

Bunk Spunk

As I was watching television last week, I was caught off guard by a commercial for a new prescription drug named Flomax. Normally when these types of advertisements flash across my TV screen, I usually just laugh. C’mon, you know you do too. Hikers crossing steep terrain, kayakers rowing through dangerous rapids…all with a smile on their face because they can now “somewhat” prevent the spread of their genital herpes…”It’s a Brand New Day!” Or the ridiculous list of side effects that the voiceover guy so non-chalantly reads through as if they were completely normal…anal leakage, decrease libido, abnormal taste, etcetera etcetera. But even now…after repeated viewings, I thought I was completely desensitized to these horrible, ridiculous prescription spots. But no. Flomax reeled me right back in.

It started off as a normal enough prescription drug commercial. You see, Flomax treats enlarged prostates, or to be more technical, Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (BPH). BPH can cause stress on the urethra, impeding the flow of urine, or in some cases, causes complete blockage…all together now…YEESH! I can just imagine myself standing over the toilet, repeating over and over…”C’mon…gimme a little pee pee…just a couple of drops.” Anyways, back to the Flomax ad…there was a lush forest…several grown men were riding their mountain bikes, free from the discomfort of BPH due to taking their Flomax. It was a beautiful sight to see. All was well…until the list of side effects came. Initially nothing fazed me…all were typical…headache, dizziness, diarrhea…ya know, the normal stuff. Then it hit me…”Decrease in semen.”

Uh-wha? Decrease in semen? Did he really just say that?

Oh yes he did.

You see, in two U.S. Short-Term Placebo Controlled Clinical Studies, 18.9% of men who were administered 0.8 mg of Flomax experienced what they like to call “abnormal ejaculation” i.e. decrease in semen. I know this because it turns out my friend “Dry David” (names have been changed to protect the innocent) was one of these men. After watching the Flomax ad, and finding out about David, I had to press for more answers. Luckily David allowed me to interview him, and share his story with all of you.

David is in his mid-forties, and until recently, was a very active and healthy man. About a year ago, he began to experience what some like to call “weak stream.” He didn’t have the healthy, thick braids of urine he was so accustomed to. Instead, all that came was a few drops at a time. One instance he told me about that was particularly frustrating was when he was at Safeco Field, about 5 beers deep, with a bladder that was at maximum capacity. When he finally made it to the urinal, he was ready to let it flow, but as he stood there, nothing happened. He began to count to one hundred, and still only a few whimpering streams squeezed out. David started to panic…he had been at the stall for about 5 minutes now, and his bladder was still expanding by the minute with no evacuation route opening. Finally, David had no other choice but to walk into a stall, sit down, and bitch piss for the next hour…drip, drip, drip.

Fed up with his predicament, David went to his doctor the next day. David’s general practitioner informed him he had BPH, and wanted to know if David was interested in being part of the clinical trials for a new drug called Flomax. My weak streamed friend was hesitant, until the doc told him there was a cash incentive. Quicker than you can say “cum”, David was enrolled.

After the first few days, David didn’t notice much difference. Around the fourth or fifth day though, David nervously stepped up to the porcelain plate, and swung. Miraculously, it was a homerun!…David’s stream had never been thicker, healthier, or more golden. Astounded and amazed, he felt on top of the world. He went out with some friends that night, and felt so confident, managed to pick up a very gorgeous young blonde named Heather and bring her home with him.

As things got hot and heavy, David could feel his little soldier approaching a full salute. He shouted, “Yes, yes, yes…oh god I’m c-“…and as his body convulsed with pleasure, Heather shrieked with fright. You see David’s little soldier did not spill forth with its salute juice as expected. Instead, all Heather got was 4 powerful blasts of air into her eye, like the eye pressure test at the optometrist…followed by 3 milky drops on her neck.

David immediately reported this to his clinical trial supervisor. The man did not seem surprised, and told David that several others in his test group experienced the same “decrease in semen.” Shocked and appalled, David immediately withdrew from the clinical trials, and found solace in another BPH treatment drug called Hytrina. The most common side effect is fatigue and dizziness, which David experiences on a daily basis. He even revealed that he frequently passes out during sex. When I asked him why he chooses to stick with Hytrina, he smiled and said, “If I pass out during sex, I know now I can at least leave her a glimmering pearl necklace.” David and Heather are still dating.